Friday, February 4, 2011

Here we go...

I have a lot of story to pack into my 25 years... almost 26.  It's almost too much to handle, but how can you not handle your own life when it's there begging to be dealt with day after day?

This is not a success story... this is me, baring it all. Trying to exorcise the past from my present. I need to dump this luggage so i can pack for the future. Wow, that was a horrible metaphor. But i hope you get it.

I've lived through all of the checkmarks on a list built for depression/anxiety/failure. I think i can overcome this... but that's only every so often on a great day.  And i don't have too many great days.

To give you a brief (brief!) idea of what's up with my life.... I went from 303 pounds, to having a disastrous gastric bypass, to 120 pounds (dying for 3 years), getting that reversed and surviving near-death a few times... back to being fat.  I nearly died to lose this weight. I got fixed from the dying part, but never conquered the bigger issues that led to my eating disorder. So now i have to deal with so many things to be able to function, lose weight, be healthy, and be me.

But who is me? I'm funny, sarcastic, smart, caring, passionate.... but i'm not so passionate anymore. I suffer from depression and a total sense of apathy most days. Apathy about life, but passion regarding politics. Go figure. Gotta find something that gets you riled up.

I also just reconnected with my dad.  He's a born again Christian who just has his "opinions" about my gayness.  He's a good guy... just so misguided.  The kind of smart guy who is so hostage to the Fox News lifestyle.

My mom is sick and in constant pain. she lives with her 2 sisters who are in the same boat... i always worry this is how i'll end up.  On disability with nothing to look forward to but my next pain killer for some sense of relief.

I was sick/dying for 3 years in my early 20s... but i've been healed.  I don't think i've recovered from that.  I feel like i'm always waiting for the next illness.   I broke both of my legs when i was 8 on New Year's Day in a freak trampoline accident.  I destroyed my ankle stepping backwards when i was in 8th grade.  I have the worst luck in the world.

What's next?